meet me in montauk

You said that it was 2014 and that meant you were allowed to feel like this. I guess it makes sense that something that hurt so much to read would be what made me so contemplative about what this year would mean for me. I spent the night reading The End of Eternity with Penpal's bandcamp on in the background and I couldn't deny that the influence you had on my mental physique was evident even in the way I fight my near constant insomnia. 

I want to create. I want to feel like I can pay attention to one thing for longer than ten seconds. My attention jumps from subject to subject even as I try to document my thoughts here my fingers itch to click a new tab open, just to scroll through twitter for the millionth time today. Is this the failing of our generation or is it just me? My thoughts not wanting to have to focus on any one thing, maybe for fear of where they'd end up. 

I created a whole new blog just so I could have the freedom to say somewhere at least once that I didn't want things to end between us. I still wish you could have loved me a fraction of the amount you love her. You meant everything to me and I just couldn't break through that wall. Dating you fucked me up the same way she fucked you up. So now that vicious circle begins and I can't let go of what I wanted from you and I'm dating someone new who's fucked up in the same way from the girl he wished could have loved him back. So here we are. And I still have that same Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind quote on repeat. 

"We met at the wrong time. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway. Maybe one day years from now, we’ll meet in a coffee shop in a far away city somewhere and we could give it another shot. So until then, I’ll just have to continue feeling this way everyday. Sad." 

I'm sorry. And I hate that I still love you.